Tuesday, August 23, 2016


     Do you think it's appropriate to ask someone to change their behavior or a habit that is bothering you?

     I want to ask a particular person, whom I adore with my whole heart, to change a particular behavior or two.

     I'm not sure how to go about it.  I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I want the behavior to stop hurting my feelings.

     I guess I am probably asking for too much & being too selfish but I want my friendship/companionship to continue to work.

     I'm not trying to change the person, I'm just trying to change a particular behavior because I want to help fix it so that there is a mutual respect & understanding.  I'm not sure that this particular person has a lot of experience with relationships, friendship or otherwise.

     There is nothing wrong with that because we all know how I am with relationships-shitty as hell behavior or would that be lack of experience & knowledge? 

     I will ponder on this thought for a bit longer before I actually take the leap.  It's safer that way don't you think? 


Monday, August 22, 2016

~Sharing this from PostSecret~

I came across this from the PostSecret blog.  I have been following PostSecret for years now, very surprised in most of the secrets & pain that people reveal.  This one specific postcard caught my eye for a very specific reason....

We all know who I am & what I am about.  I am not good with relationships.  I wonder if this is why I cannot function normal in a relationship.  

 Let me know your thoughts & feelings about relationships & what you think about this secret.


~I Just Want In Is That too Much to ask?~

     Sometimes the things that you do upset me & make me feel like I'm not important to you.  Sometimes the days that you ignore me upset me & make me feel like I'm not a priority in your life.  I feel like you ignore me, miss my texts on purpose, disregard my feelings & leave me in the dark on purpose.

     As you are yet again aware of my issues & my feelings about Mr. IBM, here I am again discussing a problem that upsets me.

    Mr. IBM is a very private person & yes, sometimes that may be a good thing, but not when I want to get closer to him.  I just want in.  When I figure out that he is sad or upset, I get sad & upset.  I want him to be able to talk to me about anything.  No matter what he has to say I am going to think it is important.  It's because I care.  I care a lot.

    He goes days without texting me because he needs time to sort out his feelings & time to sort out things with life or just to decompress.

     It would be wonderful if he would only let me know ahead of time that he needs alone time so I won't feel shitty & think that he is ignoring me or that I have done something wrong to upset him.  I get a bit paranoid when he ignores my texts, I won't lie.  We all know how I over think things & I have shit tons of anxiety.  Not a good combination.  

     I think it is selfish of him not to include anyone else.  I want to be a part of his time & his life & he will not let me in & I really think that is not cool.  

     I understand that people need to be alone at times, but I just feel like he is alone too much & he should welcome the company.  My company.  I want to be there for him & I want to show him that I care.

     I guess when you're used to being on your own & alone you don't really feel the need to share anything emotional with someone special.  Even if that someone wants you.  Wants your whole heart & attention.

     I get that Mr. IBM has been through some really tough shit.  I just want him to use me when he really needs a friend to talk to.  I would rather be with company than to be alone & I want him to feel the same.  I just want him to know that I am here & I care. 

     I guess I feel this way because I need him a lot of the time to help me through some rough patches in my life.  I think he is an important person & I want that important person in my life.  I like the way that he makes me feel when I need some cheering up.  I think his sense of humor is the best & he gives the best hugs.  

Here's a little thought that I'm just going to leave with you:



Saturday, August 20, 2016

~Here's to the Heartache~


      So I think Mary Shelley said it best when she said, "I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine & rage the likes of which you would not believe.  If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other".

     I'm having a difficult time right now trying to sort out some emotional feelings.  

     If you remember from my previous posts, you are familiar with Mr. IBM.....

     Well, here I am again.  Confused as hell.  He tends to make me feel confused.  I know that I over think things & I tend to over react but we all know by now how shitty I am with any type of emotional relationship.  I know that is not an excuse.  I am just trying to get through this without hurting anyone.  

     I don't know why he won't text me.  Basically he "Ghosted" me.  I really thought things were going alright & that we both knew what we wanted from each other.

     It does hurt & I'm not going to lie or sugarcoat the shit, but it hurts like a mother.....

     I am confused & a bit disappointed that he has skipped out on texting me, but I suppose I could break down & send another text his way, but of course I don't want to look like a crazy bitch.....
Trust me, the damage is done.  I have given this man enough drama to last him for the rest of his afternoon for 80 months.

     Being in any type of relationship with anyone is a confusing situation for me.  I understand that he is not my boyfriend or husband, but I do have some strong feelings for this man & that's what makes it harder to fix within my heart.

     Basically, I have to turn my phone off so I will not text him 847,523,000 times, because I want to & I want to call him so badly right now, but I cannot.  I know he will get weirded out & turn his phone off because he may think I am a lunatic.

     I will continue to do hobbies & other things to occupy my mind, somewhat, but eventually everything I do reminds me of his face & I smile & then I get sad.....

     I guess with time my heart will heal a bit but it is a very challenging issue to stop my heart from being hurt.  I think about him all the time & that is not helping my situation.

     I truly want to be with him but I must make myself understand that it will NEVER HAPPEN.   He is too different & very uninterested in me at the moment.  I wish I could find something to make me get over him.

     The sad part is deep down inside I know that the only thing that will fix this is the person himself.....

Monday, August 15, 2016


This piece is called "Ignored"  08/14/16

Athazagoraphobia: (n.)  The fear of forgetting, being forgotten or ignored, or being replaced.

The one thing I hate more than being alone is being ignored.

"It hurts the most when the person who made you feel so special yesterday makes you feel so unwanted today."

"Here it comes.  My inevitable death, ignoring me all those years when I wished for it daily, arriving only after I've decided I want to live forever." ~Issac Marion

Thursday, August 11, 2016

What Makes You Feel This Way?

     Do you ever feel like something is wrong but you can't quite put your finger on it?

     I feel like something is missing in my life, but I'm really not sure if that is the case or not. I don't understand what type of feeling is going through my heart at the moment.

      Sometimes I cannot make accurate conclusions as to what my feelings exactly are.  I just feel empty or lonely today & I'm not really sure why that is.  There's a bad feeling in my stomach & my throat feels tight & I feel like I could barf any second.  Is this anxiety? Is it experience relationship concerns?  I really don't know what it is. 

I wonder if there is something in the universe that is weighing my heart down or if perhaps it is my horoscope that I should read to find out what is making me feel this way.

    It's as if I am just sitting here waiting for something bad or tragic to happen.  I don't like this feeling & I can't shake off this icky feeling.

     Do you ever have a gut feeling that you cannot get rid of & it scares the hell out of you? What do you do to get rid of it?